no more love. no more you.

In A World of Misery

2006-07-23T01:42:00.000+08:00

In my world, i see my past, my griefs, my unhappiness, my own demons. They residue together in this cold lonely world. Where everyone enjoys the comfort of being sad. You might call it hell. I call it my world.

I see myself as a little boy. I see my relations of my dad and i turning sour. I see the grief of losing someone i love very much. I see and feel nothing but pain but i was comfortable. I didnt wanna wake up.

My Grief comes in the body form of myself as a little boy. I am quiet. I squat down as i approached the little boy, he turned his head and his eyes are full of hatred and sadness.

Hatred of losing persons he love. Hatred that there is nothing he can do to stop them from leaving. Sadness is secondary, because anger has consumed his soul.

He regrets but he hide them away, he wanna prove to himself dat hatred can overcome anything with hatred comes will-power.

Grief grows up. He forgot about his pain and hatred but deep in his mind, the seed for hatred has just started.

One day, he lost his lover. He lost everything. He is becoming of what he is all the while. He relaise that he shall become of what is truly of him.

Slowly he regrets. Loneliness became his best friend in this world. Hatred had to go and hide and soon, to let it go.

His body is filled with loneliness, he looks back but blame no one but himself. For his anger, he pushed her, for his hidden hatred he broke her heart. He made her cry. He got her involved in his own demons...

Regret comes and told him that it is here to provide remorse. To feel the need to compensate, to feel the need to be here forever. Never wake up and be happy.

From far the melodic tune of "moonlight sonata" seems faint yet strong in enough for Grief to redeem himself. But it was too late. The tunnel has been opened, he is destined to stay there and forever.

Not until he see the visuals of her fingers playing softly and gently as though a becking to wake him up to be with her. Tears dropped on her slender and beautiful fingers. He had to go.

To leave this world of grief. To be a better person. To be with her, because he loves her. He will drop the shadow of hatred and rejoice with her. To overcome thick & thin, life & death.

Feels like a thousand years

2006-07-19T11:35:00.000+08:00

Nothing much going on. Maybe only the chilly wind is comfortable. Done nothing much, except thinking of her, i know no matter where i go and wad i do, its still the same thing for me, missing her.

but every tot of her together with him hurts me so so much. And there is no one here for me. Only me and my lonely shadow. I dono coming here is a good thing or not, or am i torturing myself, but im not needed there as well, can anyone tell me what to do?

Im at a lost.

I dono for how long i have to exile myself. But i love her so much to give her happiness is my happiness.

Sigh...Im slowly fading away...i know i am.

When i fade away i will burnout.

And there is no more me left to go on.

Im here

2006-07-19T00:03:00.000+08:00

I didnt know this love has brought me to this place, where nobody knows me. I feel even colder even more lonely...its 12 degrees but my heart is even colder.

I don feel the warmth anymore.

As i walk along the streets, i walk along arms cuddling myself to keep myself warm...and alive. I left my phone off. I want her to be happy. But i cant stop thinking about her. I miss her so much.

But i know there is someone already there for her. This someone will replace me at this pointof time. I dono when i will be back, i dono when things will happen or maybe im numb already.

Numb of everything...but i still need her.

Sometimes i tot dat im almost dead. Sometimes i cant breath. I can only see her in my mind to be alive.

But maybe this is the best solution for both of us. I rather suffer than to see her cry for me. I rather let her go and find her happiness, as long as she is happy i am happy.

Im beginning to love this place, yet, hate this place. Maybe it has made things worse coming here. I feel more miserable. All i can do is to listen to the last song we heard together dat night.

Maybe again its not working for me, maybe i should go back. My heart is there, but she don need me.

Maybe i belong to the dark shadows always hiding by being alone, silently, watching over her...

Its so cold here, being alone...

I know i already lost you to him.

2006-07-16T14:47:00.000+08:00

Im hurt deeply today.

Cause she has changed so much. Im nothing to her or to her i am only but a low class human species.

She told me "Leave me alone!", all i said was i was hurt.

Where is the empathy, where is the love we used to have, at least show me abit of kindness like a person would give help to a disabled person.

It makes me wonder why a person u love can turn against u and bite the hands dat feed...im disappointed.

To her since dat guy is around i am redundant. I can be disposed of anytime in her abilities.

Ive always tot her character and her family background wont make her this cruel. But i was wrong about her...

Thank you jass, for listening to me.
Herman for always giving me advice and telling me to stay strong.
and the rest of any other ppl dat were with me dat i actually upset u guys.

Im sorry dat im not strong enough. but i still pray for her to come back.

why cant it happen?

2006-07-16T02:37:00.000+08:00

You don want to let me go cause u want to keep me here, in your little pocket, in your heart, in your mind.

You want me to inspire you, to move you on...but i cant be with you.

I feel so happy dat u still need me...yet the tots of u not able to be with me hurts so bad...

All i can do i say a little prayer for you before i sleep. No, i dont say my prayers for u to come back.

I said it for your well-being, just for u to be happy with your decision.

And i don wanna go.

Everyday i think of you.

2006-07-15T09:55:00.000+08:00

I didnt remove her slippers. I didnt remove her stuffs in the toilet. I didnt keep her clothes hanging in my cupboard. I just kept everything in place. Am i lying to myself?

Every thing is arranged so neatly that anyone else will think she is still here. But no, she is in my heart. Sometimes when i see her slippers beside mine is out of place, i would adjusted it back and smile to myself and say, "u silly gal, always so muddle-headed"

Sometimes i imagine she will never come back and forgets me completely. I will just be in a state of shock. I don know what else i can do. What else i can say. I tried so hard. If it ever happens, im just clueless.

Im just very tired. Leave everything to fate. Cause im tired fighting it.

its been raining

2006-07-14T00:56:00.000+08:00

sometimes i wonder is there such a thing like fate, miracle. or a higher being up there controlling my life. cause its so weird dat it has been raining since she left. Just like our song

Running Alone in the Dark

2006-07-11T21:02:00.000+08:00

Its been a few days since i started running. I think alot when i run. She is always on my mind. I had to run cause i missed her so badly.

Maybe i thought running could keep me sane. But i was wrong, she was the motivation of my run afterall.

Sometimes when i run, i felt upset. And i ran faster and faster. Until i reached the end, i said her name in silence. And the promise of her returning kept me going.

Sometimes when im about to give up, i see her beside me. Smiling at me. Telling me she is beside me, always. I can hear her voice, her words since that saturday.

It kept me going.

Sometimes when im about to give up, i see her waiting for me at the end. i closed my eyes, with a drop of tear and run like never before.

I know when i open my eyes she wont be there anymore.

At these moments all i can do is to believe she will be back. That is the only reason that i am living for.

I have to go running. :)

Is there a choice in life?

2006-06-27T22:54:00.000+08:00

Can we choose the person to love in this lifetime?

Can we choose the better path before anything happens?

Can we choose to make everything right before it goes wrong?

Everything i used to love is gone? Am i given a choice? Am i given a chance? To make things right?

Does it make a miracle for her to give me a chance to live?

Let Me Die

2006-06-27T01:32:00.000+08:00

Are we at war tonight
Will there be angels whispering to midnight
Don't wake when lightning strikes
My heart for you is true
Let no one take that from you
Time is running tight
Can't change from wrong to right
So I'll close my eyes and dream a little
Just like how we used to be baby
Its time to say farewell now
No need to cry of feelings
Oh it's alright
I'll end the end of lies
Heaven grant me one last wish I beg you
Let me say these words before I go
I will love you till the end of time
Every breath of mineI'll hold you by my side
But I'll rest in peace
My sweetheart would you
Let me die in your arms with you
Only you can stop the rain tonight
Only you can change my world from black to white
So I'll close my eyes and dream a little more

Are we at war tonight
Will there be angels whispering to midnight
Don't wake when lightning strikes
Heaven grant me one last wish I beg you
Let me say these words before I go

I will love you till the end of time
Every breath of mine I'll hold you by my side
But I'll rest in peace
My sweetheart would you
Let me die in your arms with you
Only you can stop the rain tonight
Only you can get me straight to fight
Till the sky is burning
It's the end of time

Look ahead tomorrow
Long and winding road
Keep the faith of mine
Don't let it go
You're the only reason
That I'm growing cold
What would I do
Without you

I will love you till the end of time
Every breath of mine
I'll hold you by my side
But I'll rest in peace
My sweetheart would you
Let me die in your arms with you
Only you can stop the rain tonight
Only you can make my world so bright
Life no longer ends here with you in my heart
In my heart...

Its been 7 days since shes gone.

2006-06-27T01:16:00.000+08:00

Its been 7 days already.

Yet my heart is still the same, every minute i long for her forgiveness. To accept me again...

I tried to make myself happy by watching tv, ( i remembered she always say im like her dad, likes to watch kungfu films.

I turned on the tv. It was "Return of the Condor Heroes". Yang Guo searched desperately for his GuGu. But in vain, he was so sad he wanted to die. He cried for the happy moments that they were together.

I switched the channel. Korean drama, guy leaves gal. Sad theme love song comes up.

I tried to be happy, really. I sang a song on my way back. I am crazy. But dat happy song was the saddest happy song i ever sung, accompanied with wet eyes.

Is there anything happy i can remember? I have forgotten how to smile, how to eat. Slowly i will forget who i am.

This is a sad blog. So leave after reading.

2006-06-26T00:27:00.000+08:00

Ive deleted almost everything here, all these memories of couple of years doenst mean anything to me at all.

3/4 of my whole life is gone, what is worth reading when it makes u smile at first but u cant hold it forever in your hands?

Sometimes i think i am the cause of my own problems. I'm so sorry for myself. Im sorry dat i didnt treated her well. Im so sorry for all the things ive done, i shouldnt have yelled at her and make her cry so often, i shouldnt have chased her out. I shouldnt have pushed her...

Now im trying to make things better, i want to prove to her dat i am not the same anymore. I wanna change. i wanna be given a chance to change. And i am brave enough to admit my mistakes. Cause i am sincere.

Sleepless nights, all these nights when i turn around i imagined she is beside me...im always the one who takes off her glasses cause she dozed off already....i missed the nights when we held hands while sleeping as though we would be together.

Im so depressed and i have to take so much grief. So much remorse within me, dat i avoided almost any human contact only her. Cause i cant talk anymore, i just stop talking to my folks. Stop bringing my dog for walks. Stop smiling.

There is no more life in me. Some people say time will heal, come on ive heard dat a thousand times, the scar is there. there are things dat stays in your heart forever.

Don tell me slowly, gradually....its like parents are forever your parents.....same for me, i treated her badly yes, but inside my heart i loved her deeply and i wanted to marry her.

But i took things for granted.

So what are these memorys for? To bring upon self-inflicted pain?....

I really dono how to move on....

Please don tell me slowly, gradually, time, heal, new, future, think, positive, gals.

I will let u know how i feel.

My world has come to an end, the sun is dying, the moon is fading away, darkeness overcomes everyting i owned. There is no hope or purpose in this life. My happiest moments of life is gone. No more, im all alone now, no one loves me even when im sick or lonely.....no one. Every night i cry, day is night, night is day. I lock myself. I wanna stop talking except her cause now i realise who i want and who i love.

Like a thousand slashes on my soul. fire engulfing my mind.

"Is better to burnout than to fade away"-Kurt Cobain.

Im burning out. All i need is her....

Love your animals!

2004-11-15T02:13:00.000+08:00

SPCA now accept homeless children

I recently adopted a pet. Things are working fine, but my dog dont seem to like her...Anyway my pet's name is "eggplant". No need to feed it. Just stare at it.
I cant resist her "owww poor thing" look. Just had to adopt it, or else they are gonna put her to sleep.

2004-11-13T12:19:00.000+08:00

Giving up.

2004-11-09T17:39:00.000+08:00

"But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."- Gandalf the Grey

Don give up Siling, not all is lost.